Wednesday, July 1, 2020

A Litany of Lies

There are thoughts, intrusive thoughts, that repeat in my mind from time to time, from moment to moment. A litany of lies. I am going to list some of them. 

I'm a bad girl. (No, I was never called a bad girl as a kid)

I'm going to hell.

Taunting: dead girl dead girl

I'm a bad person. 

I want to cut myself.

I'm an idiot.

I'm a stupid girl.

I don't know what I'm doing.

WTF am I doing?

And it repeats, over and over again. When things are calm, when I'm in that in between space between tasks, thoughts arise. 

If the anxiety rises along with the intrusive thoughts, then I remember cutting sensations and I want to cut again, but never do. 

If I dwell in it, I wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. 

And then, eventually, I remember, that there is nothing I can do to not have an impact on the world. I exist. I can't not exist. If I end myself I will hurt people, specifically the two most important people in my life, my spouse and my child. So there's no point in killing myself. If I hide myself I will hurt people especially my spouse and my child. So there's no point in hiding myself. 

The only way to not have an impact is to not exist, and since that's impossible, all I can do is my best to have a positive impact, and to right any wrong doings on my part. 

Radical acceptance that yes, I exist. 

Radical acceptance that yes, I have impact on others. 

Radical acceptance that yes, I hear these intrusive thoughts. 

And coming to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if they are truth or lies. All that matters are the actions I take now. That I do my best now. To do good. To increase light and love, to increase resilience so the darkness isn't so scary.