Slices of life and my nonlinear irrationally rational healing path.
Monday, January 18, 2021
Unexpected Shadow Work
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
The title of this blog post is the name of a playlist I have on Spotify. Most of the music on there is from the movie Interstellar.
The music I have on there is what I use to write things that are difficult. It honors the hope, the purpose, the drive, to keep moving, to keep going, to keep trying, no matter what. Even when it's hard, even when it feels hopeless.
Because when you feel hopeless is exactly when you need to feel hope, just enough hope, to take one more step, to go farther, to do that hard thing anyway. Like in the anime My Hero Academia. You go full on "plus ultra!" to do the impossible.
I love the music I have on that list. It honors the fear and the struggle, it doesn't hide from it, but at the same time, it is courage, because it says, YES, I see you, I feel you, and we are doing this anyway.
I always start with the first piece on the list. Echo by Big Giant Circles. That is a song that I can be swept away by the sound of hope, saromei, and then, then I can work. I can write my oracle cards, the project where the emotional labor is intense, a lot of shadow work comes up for me.
I hope you enjoy the playlist. ^__^
I hope you are inspired to make your own instrumental comfort playlist.
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
A Litany of Lies
There are thoughts, intrusive thoughts, that repeat in my mind from time to time, from moment to moment. A litany of lies. I am going to list some of them.
I'm a bad girl. (No, I was never called a bad girl as a kid)
I'm going to hell.
Taunting: dead girl dead girl
I'm a bad person.
I want to cut myself.
I'm an idiot.
I'm a stupid girl.
I don't know what I'm doing.
WTF am I doing?
And it repeats, over and over again. When things are calm, when I'm in that in between space between tasks, thoughts arise.
If the anxiety rises along with the intrusive thoughts, then I remember cutting sensations and I want to cut again, but never do.
If I dwell in it, I wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing.
And then, eventually, I remember, that there is nothing I can do to not have an impact on the world. I exist. I can't not exist. If I end myself I will hurt people, specifically the two most important people in my life, my spouse and my child. So there's no point in killing myself. If I hide myself I will hurt people especially my spouse and my child. So there's no point in hiding myself.
The only way to not have an impact is to not exist, and since that's impossible, all I can do is my best to have a positive impact, and to right any wrong doings on my part.
Radical acceptance that yes, I exist.
Radical acceptance that yes, I have impact on others.
Radical acceptance that yes, I hear these intrusive thoughts.
And coming to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if they are truth or lies. All that matters are the actions I take now. That I do my best now. To do good. To increase light and love, to increase resilience so the darkness isn't so scary.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
I Am Not Neutral
If I appear that way to you in a discussion then you are sorely mistaken. I am not neutral, nor am I trying to win white ally points. If you think that from things I say, especially when I am addressing you, what that means is, I'm being very very nice in the way I approach you because I care about my relationship with you and I am doing my best to preserve our relationship.
I have had nightmares about having to cut certain people out of my life because they voted for a fascist dictator. I have had nightmares about my Black sister dying before her time and leaving her children motherless. I worry about the world those children are growing up in that tells them that they are fundamentally less than someone else because of their dark skin. Such beautiful souls being cruelly crushed under the weight of racism before they can even say a word.
No. I am not neutral.
I am anti-fascist.
I am anti-racist.
I am kind. I am compassionate. I am inclusive.
I am radical in my ability to feel unconditional love for anyone and everyone.
Never mistake that for passivity or neutrality.
Never mistake that for endorsement of evil ideas.
Fascism is evil.
Racism is evil.
Sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, are all expressions of evil thought.
Unregulated capitalism is evil.
Wealth hoarding is evil, every billionaire is a wealth hoarder.
Destroying our environment is evil, especially now since we have tools to undo the damage we have done but we refuse to do so as a society because capitalism is our national god, and changing that is intolerable, especially to those in power. The ultimate eff you got mine.
Good power is about having power with not power over people and nature. It is shared, like a birthday cake is at your birthday party.
I don't care how nicely you wrap it up, but rot is still rot, and if you don't do something about the rot the roots of the fruit-bearing tree you rely on dies.
You dishonor your soul, your Heart, who you truly are, when you allow that to happen, and you do this by by espousing evil ideas, by supporting evil people in doing evil things, by finding excuses for these things. You may be a good person fundamentally, but the lies you have grown up with, the lies you believe, the justifications and rationalizations you make, are still destroying the good fruit of your tree. To preserve your tree you have to heal the rot.
So no. I am not neutral.
Not by a long shot.
If you want to do something about the rot that's killing your fruit-bearing tree, I will help you do that. There are no throw away souls. But if you continue to try to spread the rot instead of healing the rot, I will stand my ground and say no.
You might feel like that suddenly means I don't love you. But that is not true. Of course I love you. But you aren't the one whose life is in danger. You are the one rescinding your hand from helping to save lives. So I have to say no, that is not okay.
And then it's up to you to listen or not. I hope you do.
Heal the rot.
Sunday, June 7, 2020
Healing from Lies I was Told - Racism
I do not remember what I said in the beginning, but I do remember what I said at the end. I said, ". . . LIKE YOUR BLACK ASS." Then I turned up my nose with a hmph and continued walking. I glanced back, and that girl who was mean to me started to get out of the car, and I was like OH NO, she's gonna beat me up! But, the friends she was with, a mix of boys and girls, calmed her down and she didn't.
On my part of the wall was a part of Martin Luther King Jr's speech, a little out of the way, but there for anyone to see if they were paying attention. Another act of defiance. I still have this piece of paper.
Monday, April 13, 2020
The Low Hum of Imminent Danger
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
An Unexpected PTSD Triggering Experience
- The news affected sexual intimacy with my spouse via intrusive thoughts (which I talked to him about.)
- I have been taking longer than 30 minutes to fall asleep, something I had recently gotten under control in the last couple of months via Kaiser's sleep class (if you have Kaiser and are unsatisfied with your sleep I highly recommend this class).
- I took my massage practical exam early and while I still got a good grade I am disturbed by the basic things I forgot (like how to apply proper pressure for lymph drainage). I wasn't able to be present, and several times she expressed discomfort and a couple of times pain. Her experience was ultimately unpleasant it seems to me. Since I have massaged her before and done lymph drainage on her before, she knew something was off with me that was more than just test jitters. She was very compassionate when I told her what was up.
- I had to postpone meeting up with one of my energy healing mentors for coffee. I was in panic mode.
- I panicked and rescheduled a healing session I was to do for a wonderful woman, a massage on her rotator cuff muscles and some energy healing.
- I lost work time. I am working on writing my novel, writing oracle cards, and other works. I have a lot to do to prepare for several upcoming events and for school. I have been unfocused. And when I do try to focus I can't seem able to sustain that focus.
- I have had two migraines this week, which has prevented me from working and from exercising and doing powerlifting.