Monday, January 18, 2021
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
The title of this blog post is the name of a playlist I have on Spotify. Most of the music on there is from the movie Interstellar.
The music I have on there is what I use to write things that are difficult. It honors the hope, the purpose, the drive, to keep moving, to keep going, to keep trying, no matter what. Even when it's hard, even when it feels hopeless.
Because when you feel hopeless is exactly when you need to feel hope, just enough hope, to take one more step, to go farther, to do that hard thing anyway. Like in the anime My Hero Academia. You go full on "plus ultra!" to do the impossible.
I love the music I have on that list. It honors the fear and the struggle, it doesn't hide from it, but at the same time, it is courage, because it says, YES, I see you, I feel you, and we are doing this anyway.
I always start with the first piece on the list. Echo by Big Giant Circles. That is a song that I can be swept away by the sound of hope, saromei, and then, then I can work. I can write my oracle cards, the project where the emotional labor is intense, a lot of shadow work comes up for me.
I hope you enjoy the playlist. ^__^
I hope you are inspired to make your own instrumental comfort playlist.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
If I appear that way to you in a discussion then you are sorely mistaken. I am not neutral, nor am I trying to win white ally points. If you think that from things I say, especially when I am addressing you, what that means is, I'm being very very nice in the way I approach you because I care about my relationship with you and I am doing my best to preserve our relationship.
I have had nightmares about having to cut certain people out of my life because they voted for a fascist dictator. I have had nightmares about my Black sister dying before her time and leaving her children motherless. I worry about the world those children are growing up in that tells them that they are fundamentally less than someone else because of their dark skin. Such beautiful souls being cruelly crushed under the weight of racism before they can even say a word.
No. I am not neutral.
I am anti-fascist.
I am anti-racist.
I am kind. I am compassionate. I am inclusive.
I am radical in my ability to feel unconditional love for anyone and everyone.
Never mistake that for passivity or neutrality.
Never mistake that for endorsement of evil ideas.
Fascism is evil.
Racism is evil.
Sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, are all expressions of evil thought.
Unregulated capitalism is evil.
Wealth hoarding is evil, every billionaire is a wealth hoarder.
Destroying our environment is evil, especially now since we have tools to undo the damage we have done but we refuse to do so as a society because capitalism is our national god, and changing that is intolerable, especially to those in power. The ultimate eff you got mine.
Good power is about having power with not power over people and nature. It is shared, like a birthday cake is at your birthday party.
I don't care how nicely you wrap it up, but rot is still rot, and if you don't do something about the rot the roots of the fruit-bearing tree you rely on dies.
You dishonor your soul, your Heart, who you truly are, when you allow that to happen, and you do this by by espousing evil ideas, by supporting evil people in doing evil things, by finding excuses for these things. You may be a good person fundamentally, but the lies you have grown up with, the lies you believe, the justifications and rationalizations you make, are still destroying the good fruit of your tree. To preserve your tree you have to heal the rot.
So no. I am not neutral.
Not by a long shot.
If you want to do something about the rot that's killing your fruit-bearing tree, I will help you do that. There are no throw away souls. But if you continue to try to spread the rot instead of healing the rot, I will stand my ground and say no.
You might feel like that suddenly means I don't love you. But that is not true. Of course I love you. But you aren't the one whose life is in danger. You are the one rescinding your hand from helping to save lives. So I have to say no, that is not okay.
And then it's up to you to listen or not. I hope you do.
Heal the rot.
Sunday, June 7, 2020
I do not remember what I said in the beginning, but I do remember what I said at the end. I said, ". . . LIKE YOUR BLACK ASS." Then I turned up my nose with a hmph and continued walking. I glanced back, and that girl who was mean to me started to get out of the car, and I was like OH NO, she's gonna beat me up! But, the friends she was with, a mix of boys and girls, calmed her down and she didn't.
On my part of the wall was a part of Martin Luther King Jr's speech, a little out of the way, but there for anyone to see if they were paying attention. Another act of defiance. I still have this piece of paper.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
- The news affected sexual intimacy with my spouse via intrusive thoughts (which I talked to him about.)
- I have been taking longer than 30 minutes to fall asleep, something I had recently gotten under control in the last couple of months via Kaiser's sleep class (if you have Kaiser and are unsatisfied with your sleep I highly recommend this class).
- I took my massage practical exam early and while I still got a good grade I am disturbed by the basic things I forgot (like how to apply proper pressure for lymph drainage). I wasn't able to be present, and several times she expressed discomfort and a couple of times pain. Her experience was ultimately unpleasant it seems to me. Since I have massaged her before and done lymph drainage on her before, she knew something was off with me that was more than just test jitters. She was very compassionate when I told her what was up.
- I had to postpone meeting up with one of my energy healing mentors for coffee. I was in panic mode.
- I panicked and rescheduled a healing session I was to do for a wonderful woman, a massage on her rotator cuff muscles and some energy healing.
- I lost work time. I am working on writing my novel, writing oracle cards, and other works. I have a lot to do to prepare for several upcoming events and for school. I have been unfocused. And when I do try to focus I can't seem able to sustain that focus.
- I have had two migraines this week, which has prevented me from working and from exercising and doing powerlifting.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
I wasn't sure about this retreat, I just knew for some reason that I needed to be there. During dinner the first night, I had a de ja vu moment, a reminder that I was where I needed to be. I was unsure what it could offer me because I am so well read in the area of childhood trauma and PTSD, and that I have been getting PTSD specific therapy since January of 2016.
Quick note on the food: the staff is high key sensitive to dietary needs. People who were gluten free or vegan would have alternatives made for them. I have foods that give me migraines and they made sure there was always something for me. I didn't have to use any of the emergency food I brought with me!
The first day was rough. I wanted to go home. On the drive to Utah I wanted to turn back. While stopping at a hotel before continuing one, I cried, feeling terribly homesick. I wanted Robert, my spouse of 19 years, the man I have been dating and intimate with for 21 years.
There was an activity that I just could not do, but for others it was exactly what they needed so I decided to let it lie and not participate in the first activity. I was not forced to do the activity, or any activity. They simply checked in to make sure that you weren't triggered and if you needed extra support.
That night I started shaking uncontrollably. It wasn't too cold, so it was out of the ordinary. I kept shaking, but I was able to get up and down from bed (I was on the top bunk, my little girl self gasped in delight at being on the top bunk so I was like, okay, let's do it). I had read in Bessel's book and Peter Levine's book In An Unspoken Voice, that allowing the body to shake it out is one of the key components to not trapping the trauma, that it has to pass through. So instead of trying to stop it, I allowed the shaking to keep going and I just cuddled down in the blankets with my tardigrade stuffed animal, and the extra comfort blanket TYF gave us to take home and stayed cozy while shaking my arse off in bed, despite the temperature in the room being wonderfully cool.
The following day was okay, and I felt better after taking a nature walk outside on the estate grounds. I also took a nap. That day was also the first day of group therapy with my group (there were three groups of eight) that took us off the estate grounds which allowed me to call Robert really quick just to hear his voice and I felt better just from that. I felt a little less homesick. I also started writing a letter to Robert, each day, in a sort of prose way, for each day. It really helped. That night, I slept well, and I slept well for each day.
I completed an art piece in art therapy that I was proud of. Robert hung it up over his computer. I enjoyed Muay Thai and hope to get into it next year and see if it works from me outside of a trauma sensitive environment.
While some good insights came from this retreat, the best part was the kinship that developed between me and the other people in our group. All eight of us now text one another and support one another. It's really quite wonderful.
I have been to group therapy before and it was fascinating to see that we all understood the symptoms of PTSD - nightmares, hypervigilance, constant fear, etc - no matter if it came from being a war veteran, child abuse, domestic violence, car accident, refugee. We all understood the symptoms even if our triggers were different.
At TYF we had people with the same kinds of symptoms to varying degrees but everyone had the same type of trauma and that was an interesting experience. We didn't have to do any explaining. We understood in a more intimate way what was going on.
I highly recommend this retreat to any woman* who has experienced childhood sexual abuse. One person in my group had never had any kind of therapy for it before, and it was a great experience for her. And then there's me, already well versed in many of the things offered, and there was still something for me. There's also a retreat in Georgia now. So, hope you check it out and can get yourself there. Whatever your healing path, I hope you find the love and support you need. You deserve it. We all deserve it.
*I know, some men would need this too, same with nonbinary peeps. I hope you can find support in other ways.