Wednesday, September 25, 2019

An Unexpected PTSD Triggering Experience

This is an awkward first post but right now, it is the most salient one because it's what I 'm going through right now. So, here it is without much context of me or my life. 

I received some news that triggered a post-traumatic stress response. (I have PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse.) I found out a well-respected family in a congregation I used to go to is dealing with a son who sexually abused his students in his role as a middle school teacher and even made the news. The father of said son was recently arrested for sexual misconduct when he was a Bishop (Mormon version of pastor). The mother was my seminary teacher, and I have always seen her as a spiritual powerhouse. I knew her other son in high school and got to know one of her daughters. I believed that this family was a normal good family with normal problems like any good family. 

For whatever reason, this has caused a cascade of triggering events in my life. 
  • The news affected sexual intimacy with my spouse via intrusive thoughts (which I talked to him about.) 
  • I have been taking longer than 30 minutes to fall asleep, something I had recently gotten under control in the last couple of months via Kaiser's sleep class (if you have Kaiser and are unsatisfied with your sleep I highly recommend this class). 
  • I took my massage practical exam early and while I still got a good grade I am disturbed by the basic things I forgot (like how to apply proper pressure for lymph drainage). I wasn't able to be present, and several times she expressed discomfort and a couple of times pain. Her experience was ultimately unpleasant it seems to me. Since I have massaged her before and done lymph drainage on her before, she knew something was off with me that  was more than just test jitters. She was very compassionate when I told her what was up.
  • I had to postpone meeting up  with one of my energy healing mentors for coffee. I was in panic mode.
  • I panicked and rescheduled a healing session I was to do for a wonderful woman, a massage on her rotator cuff muscles and some energy  healing. 
  • I lost work time. I am working on writing my novel, writing oracle cards, and other works. I have a lot to do to prepare for several upcoming events and for school. I have been unfocused. And when I do try to focus I can't seem able to sustain that focus. 
  • I have had two migraines this week, which has prevented me from working and from exercising and doing powerlifting. 
I feel fundamentally dirty, like I shouldn't be touching people. I'm ashamed that my massage teacher experienced me triggered (she was very compassionate). I didn't want her to see that piece of me. I'm supposed to be healed enough to be able to set it aside and just do the work. I have dont that in the past without a problem, but those were other hardships, not PTSD triggers. 

I was able to give my husband a couple of massages this week, but it felt subpar, it was so hard to listen to his body. I don't think I did a good job. I spent so much of my energy managing symptoms. 

It feels like because I have this triggers that could happen at any time, like I am somehow horrible and evil and shouldn't ever touch anyone ever again. That my hands are poison; like I'm Winnowill from Elfquest, a healer turned inside out. 

I had had a vision of part of  my little girl self during the beginning of my Soul Retrieval journey, one that I'm still on. I saw her rocking back and forth, crouched and filthy, muttering. When she saw  me, she leaped up and put her back to the wall, terrified. She reminded me of Gus Gus in Disney's Cinderella. She wouldn't listen to a word I said, staying away from me. My spirit guides said there was nothing I could do for her right there. I had thought she was afraid of being hurt. 

However, this PTSD triggering experience has made me realize she isn't afraid of being hurt, she is afraid of hurting others; like Rogue who drains people's life energy away.  I know I will need to find a way to get her back, but I don't know how, not yet. 

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